I find myself in a rather usual spot. It’s the beginning of the hockey season and I don’t know whether I want to go back to play this season.
I love sport, and have played a sport since the age of 19. Before I played hockey, I played rugby for my university and Harlequins. I was reasonably good at rugby. It wasn’t just the game I loved, I loved that it ‘wasn’t a woman’s’ game, and the look of shock on people’s faces when I told them I played. I faced a lot of discrimination from both men and women around their preconceptions about the game – comments like ‘but you are short’ ‘You are quite feminine” “I didn’t think you were a lesbian “are just a few I remember. Even our coach at uni didn’t agree with women playing rugby (he didn’t stay long!) I loved that it was unconventional, and a growing sport. I see the game now and feel so proud that I was a part of that movement, and girls are given the option to play at school.
I have played hockey for 25 years. For 20 years I’ve played for the same small rural club in Suffolk, with a five-year interlude for a big London club somewhere in the middle!
I’m not a particularly skilful hockey player, never have been, and very unlikely to be now, but I just love the game. I love being; part of a team, working together, socialising together, the general comradery of being in a team. The running, the shouting, the frustration when things don’t go so well, and the utter joy when it all comes together and we win.
I still love the game, and watched all the England’s woman’s games in the Common Wealth Games and celebrated them winning gold, but why am I feeling the way I am?
I think it’s a host of reasons;
I’m in my mid-forties now, and there are less women of my age playing in my team, so feels I have a lesser of a connection with the team
It isn’t as social anymore because of the difference in ages in the team
Whilst I adore playing with, and watching the youngsters come up to the ladies’ team and develop their skills and grow in confidence, I have to be mindful of them and how I behave around them as it’s I’m important I am a good role model to them, which sometimes I don’t always want to be – sometimes I just want to play my game
I have different commitments now, so it feels harder to be out all day on a Saturday, when there are ‘things’ to do at home
Getting up early on the weekend when it’s cold and sometimes wet is becoming less appealing
Getting injured isn’t as quick to recover from now, and seems much more painful
I guess I need to decide whether my reasons for my quandary outweigh all the things I love about the sport.
Sport is very important to me; it helps with both my mental and physical health. I don’t believe you have to be good to play, if you show up, do your best and enjoy it, then that is enough.
I suspect I will start the season, as the thought of giving up completely is too much, and I’m not ready to give up entirely. I don’t want to give up on my 19-year-old self who vowed to always play sport until I couldn’t! I mean, what else could I do? what else can give me what hockey does?
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